Your Medicated Pregnancy Will Be the Most Natural Thing in the World

This week two different clients mentioned the word “unnatural” in a way that broke my heart and filled me with fierce protectiveness.

One of our now-pregnant clients told me that when she delivers her baby, she doesn’t want her labor to be induced because she already felt like conceiving through IVF was “unnatural.” She therefore wants what she calls as natural a birth experience as possible. Another client who learned she will need an egg donor questioned whether she could announce a future pregnancy in good faith without some sort of caveat. 

Using Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) to conceive steals our faith in our bodies and our life-long understanding of how the world works. Many of us spent years or even decades on birth control trying to prevent what we were taught is the most natural thing in the world. After all, from the beginning of time, societies and populations have been built with good old sex. The continuity of the human species depends on it, right?

So where does that leave those of us who need a little boost to reproduce? How do we reconcile what that means for ourselves, our family, our community and yes, even our species? It can be a total mind-fuck and it is more than OK and normal to have these existential questions while grappling with infertility. 

There is no getting around the fact that the struggle to conceive the old fashioned way, no matter what the reason, sets you apart from the majority of humans. We experience this every day watching our friends and family members get pregnant no problem and scrolling through social feeds teeming with pregnancy and birth announcements. There is no getting around the fact that this reality hurts deeply. 

But as you grapple with the big questions and the pain at the unwelcome challenges of trying to conceive, don’t lose sight of the bottom line: wanting and longing for a child is the most natural thing in the world. Period. End of story. It’s called maternal and paternal instinct for a reason. Not wanting to procreate, is, for many, also natural - but we’re looking at wrestling with feeling unnatural or inadequate or less of a woman (or man) during the ART process. These feelings, too, are natural.

What sets you apart is the fabric of who you are and who you will become. Your unconventional path to parenthood will shape every aspect of your life and serve as the scaffolding for the resilience you embody for the rest of your days. Most importantly, it does not make you any less of a woman/man and will not make you any less of a parent. 

When we are immersed in the often exhausting marathon of trying to conceive, it is easy to lose sight of what happens once that baby is finally in your arms. No matter how that little nugget got there, from then on forward, you become a regular old member of the parent community, navigating the daily highlights and struggles like all the rest. 

If you didn’t carry your baby, you may have unique parenting moments ahead. And you may not. The same goes if you don’t share your baby’s genetics. These future conversations are part of the tapestry of your family. This is not to minimize the impact of your infertility journey on how you parent and how your family evolves. It is simply to say: your infertility journey will not detract from your authentic and innate parenting. If anything, your journey will enhance your parenting and your child(ren) and family will thrive as a result.

In a recent study led by the Director of the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, it was found that 1) “children born to heterosexual couples through assisted reproduction show high levels of psychological well-being, and that children benefit from being told about their origins at an early age” and 2) “gay fathers who adopt or turn to surrogacy, families created by single mothers by choice, and families with transgender parents have produced similar findings… Contrary to the expectation that they would experience problems, we found that these families are just as likely to flourish as traditional families, and sometimes more so”.

As you go through these days and weeks and months, and possibly years, your strength will ebb and flow. So will your sense of hope, confidence and faith; in yourself and in your future. When the darkness creeps in, try and return to the heart and soul of what brought you to this moment.

In spite of, and perhaps because of, the shots and meds and embryos created outside your body, this process is ultimately about seeking and actualizing your truest self. What could be more natural?

Your future baby, arriving via vaginal birth, c-section, surrogacy, or adoption, will be intent on keeping you up all night. What could be more natural?

When you are working through how to talk to your child about how they were longed for, prayed for and fought for, what could be more natural?

As someone with secondary infertility, I can also say that conceiving one child by having sex with my husband and needing medical help to conceive the other child, only serves to emphasize that no matter the path to conception, looking into a tiny humans eyes and realizing they belong to you is nothing but the most natural thing in the world. 

Dear one, your pregnancy announcement will need no caveat. Unless it’s to proclaim your hero warrior status.